I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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