but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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