I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
