just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
