1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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