Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
