What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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