I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize