My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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