Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
