Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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