You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
ok first of all what the fuck
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
