Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
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