My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
