I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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