i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
His nipple licking is glorious
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
