Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize