I cannot find my penis.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
