she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
