Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
