I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
