I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Randomize
