Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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