I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
soo... how was my night?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
