We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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