Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Send help, water and tortillas.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
