Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
They took my balls.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
