hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
