ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
