I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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