I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Randomize
