Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
