I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize