I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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