Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
a search helicopter?!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
