I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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