You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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