nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
