Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
