Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
