dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize