OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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