im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
