I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
