....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
