I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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