I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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