guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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