meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
