We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
