Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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