all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
