All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
last night I used snow as a chaser
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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