he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize