This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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