At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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