my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
