My liver just broke up with me...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
