There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize