Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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