im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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