im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
