My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
