goodnight i made you a song goodbye
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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