I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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