I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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