Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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