So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
