Pants 0. Shit 1.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
